The story, taken from a popular novel of 1908 by Henry de Vere Stacpoole, it was adapted to the screen once before in 1949 by British director Frank Launder. That version starred Jean Simmons, in her movie debut, and was a much better adaptation and I recommend you check it out of you can find it in an obscure corner of Blockbuster..

The basic story is about a pair of seven-year old cousins, Emmeline and Richard, who are shipwrecked along with Paddy, the ship’s cantankerous old cook, on a beautiful Pacific island that comes right out of a Club Med vacation brochure. Patty teaches them how to build a shelter, build a fire, and find food. He also warns them never to venture to the far side of the island because “the boogy man” lives there (actually, they’re wild natives practicing human-sacrifice.) He also warns the girl never to eat a certain red “never-wake-up” berry. Having served his purpose to the plot by supplying the lessons in survival, Patty then dies in a drunken stupor one stormy night.

Years go by and we watch the two children grow up together on the island (Emmeline and Richard are now played by actors Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins.) They share an idyllic life, as indicated by the soaring musical score. He hunts for fish and fruit while she hand-sows very professional-looking loin cloths for them to wear (where did she learn how to do that?) They also like to swim underwater a lot, and despite the sun-glared pixilation, we get the idea they drop the clothing when they get wet. (Honestly, wouldn’t they just be naked all the time by now?) Neither gets a sunburn and nobody gets malnourished. Yessir, there is always plenty of fish, fruit, and firewood. Nor are they ever threatened by anything more dangerous than a shark or a poisonous fish. Whenever one of them by chance visits the far side of the island, those nasty natives are never there, nor do the natives every over the course of 15 years that the movie supposedly takes place ever venture to the kid’s side of the islands. You know if this were instead an episode of Survivor, they would be eating bugs after the first reel.

All the audience has to look forward to is two things: (1) Shields shaking her long hair locks so we can get a peak at her young breasts (sorry, it never happens), and (2) the inevitable moment when the two discover sex. But there are so many palms carefully arranged in front of strategic body parts, it’s about as exciting as looking into a fishbowl waiting for guppies to mate. At these strategic moments we get a swelling music score over scenes of parrots, mating sea turtles, or crashing waves. In other words, it's Disney nature porn.

Let's face it, it has been 25 years since Blue Lagoon was filmed, and as bad as it is, any new remake about two half-naked children coming of age and discovering sex absolutely could not be made today in today’s American political climate. The kiddy-porn police are on constant vigil for any sign of child-exploitation and as unrealistically mild as this film is in that regard, there no doubt in my mind that any Hollywood producer not wanting to join Roman Pulanski in Europe would run and hide from a project like this today.

All the pity because, with a few changes, the story could finally rise above the mundane and provide an interesting tale of survival. Think of the possibilities if a serious attempt was made to explore what might really happen if two seven year-old kids were shipwrecked on an island for fifteen years. The Swiss Family Robinson meets Lord of the Flies? Couldn’t you see the restless natives capturing Brooks and we get the inevitable scene of her being tied to a stake and rescued by Atkins? Or perhaps some really brave director could make it as an NC-17 soft core film, obviously with non-teenage actors, whose nude swims and walks through the forest would have been realistically unrestrained by clothing or shame. But, alas, that version may never be filmed, but you get my drift. ANYTHING with a plot better than fighting over what’s for dinner would have been more realistic than this one.

The movie's ending is also enraging. Eventually Emma and Richard – now young adults - have a baby, after long, puzzled months of trying to figure out why Emma’s stomach is stirring. In reality, they would be totally unprepared for this event and the baby’s survival would be in grave peril. But their baby is bubbly and overweight so obviously Brook’s breast agrees with the kid. Anyway, after a little more time the three of them manage accidentally to set themselves adrift away from the beach in their rowboat, and they head again toward the open sea. Despairing of being rescued, the kids eat a handful of the “never-wake-up” berries and they fall unconscious in the boat…only to be dramatically rescued by Richard’s father (William Daniels), who has been sailing the South Seas looking for the castaways all these long years.

Will they live? Will they die? When they return to civilization, will they have to repeat the fourth grade? What were those berries, anyway? The movie cops out. We hear a sailor tell the father “they’re asleep,” and then the music swells again, the sailing ship goes into the sunset, and we never learn their fate.

The only good thing I can say about the film is that it is followed over a decade later by an even worse film, Return to the Blue Lagoon. Both movies had me wanting to get my hands on some of those berries myself!